Bullying….Where does it stem from? I think it’s Parents that teach it…
A person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker, this is the definition of Bully (off of google)
How many of us could really classify our EX as being a Bully. In my situation my husband’s ex uses her power (the kids) as a way of getting what she wants. I think in a lot of split homes the case may be the same, for my sister her ex uses the fact that he makes a crap load of money so he can fight her in court, she will either go broke & have nothing or lose custody of the kids because he hired a lawyer that will bury her in paper work & legal mumbo jumbo. So my deep thought of the day is if you Bully your ex, how are you any different from a “Bully” & what do you think your kids will become. No one said that you have to be a door mat or get walked all over but come on people these choices & actions have consequences. When your children see you using said “power” to get what you want or scare the other party into doing what you want what’s the life lesson you are passing onto them?
My ex & I aren’t by any means BFF’s we are like oil & water, we don’t see eye to eye on many things. I personally don’t care for him or like him,but he is my daughter’s father & without him she would not exist (when days are really bad this is a mantra for me.) Now I have to say having to deal with my husband’s ex-wife has made me examine things from the other side. I pick my battles, for instance he has a job and makes very good money, but he is still paying me child support off of his unemployment pay. I chose not to take him back, because we are after all these years at a place of peace within each other. To be honest the money isn’t worth it to me. Sure I could take him back and make him pay me a lot but why, what for I am doing just fine supporting her and what she wants to do. (Now in some cases yes you need to go back.) Just in my case it’s not worth what it would really cost. I have never held visitation over his head, or his families (that’s only hurting her) I know it’s easy to let your emotions guide you and run away & yes sometimes it is appropriate to stand up & fight but imagine a life in where you talked & communicated with the other parent(s) where you could actually teach your children the life lesson that not all people are the same & will agree on everything but look how well compromising can work. At some point these babies, pre-teens, teens will have big moments where they shouldn’t have to choose one of you but have every one of you there supporting them in life. So when the above mantra doesn’t work think about that wedding day, or birth of a grand baby (YES I HOPE MANY MANY YEARS from now)
I have a 12 yr. old DD & for the most part she is pretty solid person. She is a lot like me in the fact (which is scary)& if you really know me you know that if you don’t want to know what I really think, don’t ask. She still is learning how to use her filter so to speak. Personally at 33 I don’t use one unless it would cost me my job. (My personal life I don’t use one, but Professional sometimes it is needed) My daughter, the carbon copy of me in so many ways doesn’t use her filter at all! With all the crazy things going on in the world today, bullying is usually what they say is behind every suicide, school shooting, or killing spree. She attends a Middle School she is in the 7th grade, and yes I do believe that Middle School is possibly the worst age for children. They are all going through the changes (ick) ~ Over break for Christmas the Newtown shooting was all over the place and this sparked some conversations in my household. After talking to my kids about people & feelings, my DD said mom I have decided that I want to be kinder to people. (Great parenting moment, when you see your child turn into a person that thinks of others & their feelings.)
Fast Forward to the 1st day after break my DD comes home & tells me so mom I was being so nice to everyone today, smiling saying hello and it was great until I said Hi to *Sam* (totally not her name) & Sam responded to me OMG *Ally* I know you are only talking to me so you & your friends can make fun of me. Ally responded, Sam I have never made fun of you & you know that (they have been in the same school for 2 years.) So my DD came home & we talked about this & I said this may be true that you have never made fun of her yourself but have you been silent when others have. She had to think about this and the answer was yes she had been around and heard it and didn’t join in but didn’t shut it down either. We talked & I said to her do you know how hard it must be for her to get through an entire day of school if that’s what everyone is doing to her, how would you feel? All these months later & I know it’s only 3 my Baby girl has said hi to her every day, & when her friends are around & they start picking on anyone she says she is quick to tell them, stop or that’s not nice, or why do you have to say that, just leave them alone. We have talked about the people that she honestly doesn’t like (those that she has had a negative interaction from the past with) I just tell her, look in life you aren’t going to like everyone & everyone isn’t going to like you & that’s okay but you should be KIND to everyone regardless. There is no need to Bad Mouth, Make Fun of or Belittle just b/c this person is different from you. I often ask her how boring would this world be if everyone was just like you.
Life Lesson here is, what we should teach our children is that the world is full of different people with different opinions. This doesn’ t make them wrong or right just different instead of judging them or not liking them ask them question’s see why they feel that way maybe they will change your mind. When it comes to your EX show your child look we don’t like each other but we found a way to work together. That’s it, I don’t like everyone I meet but I always greet them with a smile, you never really know what kind of battle they are fighting.
Kindness goes along way after all isn’t the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.