The impact of people

It’s amazing to me how one person can have such an impact on your life yet only exist in your life for a small period.  I know people come & go and they are usually here to teach us a lesson.  I had a friend like this recently.  This person entered the life of Anne some what abruptly, like Bam.  In fact I can remember being completely annoyed at his mere existence.  However something clicked and he became a friend, a very insightful friend.  It was a relationship that I needed to have at that time.  He was like a mirror, in the way that I would say something or do something & he would call me on my BS.  I believe we all need people like this.  It shows us a different way of thinking.  I miss that person but am thankful that I met him & knew him if even so briefly.  We had a friendship like I’ve never had before.  He felt like home to be but differently than my husband or my beloved best friend I’ve had forever feels.  I think because he challenged me & I allowed him to do so b/c I needed it.

His impact was profound & he really did change my life, I was on a much different course & would have self destructed I am sure if I hadn’t met him.

To that guy, thank you.  Thank you for everything, for the memories & most importantly for setting me back on my right course.

I am sure I will always miss you, it will lessen each day but I wish you nothing but wonderful things.

Not All Parents Are Created EQUAL

I am so sick of hearing people trash talk the ex, the BM, the Step ___fill in the blank. Let me just be the first to say that I have seen good divorced parents (yes believe it or not this is possible) I have also seen the shitty parents.
The good ones, put their petty differences aside for the good of the children. Yes there is a reason that your split up, and unless it’s because there was abuse to the child/ren
One when you decide to split up or file that paper that now makes you, divorced doesn’t entitle you to shit all over you kids.
One the kids didn’t ask for this situation or for you to be stupid selfish petty jerks.
Kids just want to be loved and accepted, they want to have fun and be happy, to laugh and smile. It’s not a game of screw the other parent that they want to play unless you show them that game. They are only seeking attention and approval. Here’s some simple things to remember, that person you despise, was once good enough to sleep with, they are the mother/father of your beloved child. We all know that people can screw up or make mistakes maybe become giant losers or dicks. But regardless your child does not need your opinion of their parent, they will eventually come up with their own.
I’m guilty of being a jerk or saying bad things it’s human nature to get upset and say something that you shouldn’t, I just try to limit those lapses.
The rules I try to remember and live by, I don’t like him, but for things he did to me. That’s all well and good I just try not to put my issues on my daughter. I stopped lying for him, making excuses for why he doesn’t show up. That might sound harsh but it actually helped me in not saying mean things. I now tell her I don’t know why he does this or doesn’t do that and I encourage her to talk to him directly. Taking myself out of it completely when it comes to his as I see them shortcomings, makes me resent him less.
I even from time to time have to remind myself that he exists, now that she is older and has a phone of her own she can call him directly, they can talk about what’s going or or not. Don’t get me wrong I still email schedules and all that stuff.

Just a few things

I’m not looking for you to like me or hate me, or even like or dislike my ex or my husbands ex. This is my place to kick and scream and whine and cry to puke out all my feeling and than shut it down.
I’m aware of the following things:
Two sides to every story
Opinions are like assholes, everyone has on and is allowed
Although I may to to the blogging works to puke, I know this
Without my ex, my daughter wouldn’t be here so I’m forever thankful for his existence, because without him she would simply not exist. A perfect, not so prefect blend of him & I with her own wonderful personality sprinkled all over. The girl that is dangerously independent, thoughtful, sweet, tough, and so confident, but the flip side, mean, hurtful, shy and so timid at the same time. She worries about others constantly, but at time appears so uninvolved, she has many colors to her rainbow, this is because of both of us. All that stuff said we are still human and he just like I can piss each other off, which is why I’m here writing stuff.
So in advance forgive me my complaining.

The “Real World vs the Fb world”

Let me begin by apologizing first to all those that have the perfect life, you might want to stop reading, Now. Today I struggle with what I should like or post on Facebook, lol go figure. See today I’m not happy, or giddy, or even sparkly, I’m Pissed Off! Of course you can’t really share this on your fb pages, as you don’t want to be that friend. In a conversation I had last night with a friend we discussed that some people take “their” status way to serious! All these look at my life posts, and pictures that say aren’t I fucking awesome! Yeah we are all guilty of these posts, if you don’t believe look at your profile page.
The reason I was on the edge of should I post or not is because someone could read this and think, omg blah blah. Here’s a thought I don’t care what you think. My pissy mood is Kylie’s dad has decided, that her sports involvement is “excessive” yes he said this, actually wrote it. His wonderful parent idea is that whenever he has her, which is 4 days a month, (I know so involved) every other Saturday at 10:00 am until Sunday at 6:00 pm. He is no longer taking her to any of the following, unless he thinks it’s appropriate. He actually wrote the words at his sole discretion! Now I know he only has her 4 days a month, but guess what she has training, games & the occasional tournament that falls on his weekend. Now back to his definition of excessive, yep she currently plays 2 sports, basketball (1st time since like 1st grade, and after this season she no longer wants to play) and soccer. Yes she plays select soccer, and it is time consuming, practice 3 days a week, games on Sundays. So his excessive is driving her to a game / practice, training, maybe 2x a month. We’ll excuse me, here’s what I do on a weekly basis, practice for ball 3-5 days of practice a week, yep drive back and forth, soccer when last season she played both hs & select we were at a field 6 days a week, and again he maybe drove her a total of 2 days a month, but it’s excessive for him. Huh, I’m not complaining about my time, this is part of being a parent, as I have sole custody of Kylie, and have since well her entire life, this is what I have always done.
The secret is that he finds it excessive because, he has to help pay her out of pocket fees, now he has to pay these in order to claim her on his taxes every other year, this past year 2013 was his year, of course he has not paid anything since 2011. The grand total of his half for 2 years, yep 2 years is $840.24. Of course he hasn’t paid, and doesn’t want to and when I told him he couldn’t have the tax exemption for 2013 he hit the roof, the threats started I will take you to court and file for joint custody, I refuse to take Kylie to any of her events because I don’t want to. So yep this pisses me off, and I’m supposed to quiet, and not respond or not get upset. Well screw that my Kylie loves soccer, if you happen to view her IG account it states soccer is my life, so he’s going to make her give this up? Really in what world is this a good idea, because he doesn’t want to pay.
Ugh does he have any clue the consequences to Kylie if he does this, 1 she will lose her earned starting spot on her team (yes my husband is the coach, but he certainly, can’t keep her as a starter if she misses games, and practices. 2 the hs team she will play for only allows 2 un excused absences and your off the team, so Kylie suffers because you want to be lazy? Whatever, as for what can I do oh yeah I can spend more of my money and take him back to court and file contempt papers! Ugh
This concludes today’s crazy rant….
Oh I forgot the selfie of me looking completely awesome, my bad.

My Biggest fear as her BioMom

I have been heavily thinking about what my biggest fear is as her Bio-Mother.  I am a stepmom & a bio mom so as her BD finally has another girl that it’s pretty serious with I am having to face my fear.  Her BD has had other girl friends, was even engaged once before but this time it feels different, for one he has told me marriage will most likely happen along with them having babies.  So here is my fear, its really a few fears.  One I will end up just like my husband ex wife (which I truly strive not to be.) The kind of BM that everyone complains about and really wants to forget even exsists.  The next is that I won’t be able to commuincate with her or him, that this will make it different, b/c let’s be honest if she is as great as he claims she will start acting more like my DD is important which will make him change.  I have been going at this alone for so long, (as for the Bio parents raising her) I have had sole custody w/him only having visitation.  So I guess I am worried she will try to get him to change that.  In most cases the judge usually grants such a change. 
So my big fear is that I will be replaced, or that I will be one of those bio moms, that lets hate cloud my judgement. It’s just a fear, it’s just in my mind, and I chose to let it go. I decide to be the best mother that I can be and to always always put my daughter and her feelings ahead of my own.

Are you raising a Bully?

Bullying….Where does it stem from? I think it’s Parents that teach it…

A person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker, this is the definition of Bully (off of google)

How many of us could really classify our EX as being a Bully.  In my situation my husband’s ex uses her power (the kids) as a way of getting what she wants.  I think in a lot of split homes the case may be the same, for my sister her ex uses the fact that he makes a crap load of money so he can fight her in court, she will either go broke & have nothing or lose custody of the kids because he hired a lawyer that will bury her in paper work & legal mumbo jumbo.  So my deep thought of the day is if you Bully your ex, how are you any different from a “Bully” & what do you think your kids will become.  No one said that you have to be a door mat or get walked all over but come on people these choices & actions have consequences.  When your children see you using said “power” to get what you want or scare the other party into doing what you want what’s the life lesson you are passing onto them?

My ex & I aren’t by any means BFF’s we are like oil & water, we don’t see eye to eye on many things.  I personally don’t care for him or like him,but he is my daughter’s father & without him she would not exist (when days are really bad this is a mantra for me.)  Now I have to say having to deal with my husband’s ex-wife has made me examine things from the other side.  I pick my battles, for instance he has a job and makes very good money, but he is still paying me child support off of his unemployment pay.  I chose not to take him back, because we are after all these years at a place of peace within each other.  To be honest the money isn’t worth it to me.  Sure I could take him back and make him pay me a lot but why, what for I am doing just fine supporting her and what she wants to do.  (Now in some cases yes you need to go back.) Just in my case it’s not worth what it would really cost.  I have never held visitation over his head, or his families (that’s only hurting her) I know it’s easy to let your emotions guide you and run away & yes sometimes it is appropriate to stand up & fight but imagine a life in where you talked & communicated with the other parent(s) where you could actually teach your children the life lesson that not all people are the same & will agree on everything but look how well compromising can work.  At some point these babies, pre-teens, teens will have big moments where they shouldn’t have to choose one of you but have every one of you there supporting them in life.  So when the above mantra doesn’t work think about that wedding day, or birth of a grand baby (YES I HOPE MANY MANY YEARS from now)

I have a 12 yr. old DD & for the most part she is pretty solid person.  She is a lot like me in the fact (which is scary)& if you really know me you know that if you don’t want to know what I really think, don’t ask.  She still is learning how to use her filter so to speak.  Personally at 33 I don’t use one unless it would cost me my job. (My personal life I don’t use one, but Professional sometimes it is needed)  My daughter, the carbon copy of me in so many ways doesn’t use her filter at all!  With all the crazy things going on in the world today, bullying is usually what they say is behind every suicide, school shooting, or killing spree.  She attends a Middle School she is in the 7th grade, and yes I do believe that Middle School is possibly the worst age for children.  They are all going through the changes (ick) ~ Over break for Christmas the Newtown shooting was all over the place and this sparked some conversations in my household.  After talking to my kids about people & feelings, my DD said mom I have decided that I want to be kinder to people.  (Great parenting moment, when you see your child turn into a person that thinks of others & their feelings.)

Fast Forward to the 1st day after break my DD comes home & tells me so mom I was being so nice to everyone today, smiling saying hello and it was great until I said Hi to *Sam* (totally not her name) & Sam responded to me OMG *Ally* I know you are only talking to me so you & your friends can make fun of me.  Ally responded, Sam I have never made fun of you & you know that (they have been in the same school for 2 years.) So my DD came home & we talked about this & I said this may be true that you have never made fun of her yourself but have you been silent when others have.  She had to think about this and the answer was yes she had been around and heard it and didn’t join in but didn’t shut it down either.  We talked & I said to her do you know how hard it must be for her to get through an entire day of school if that’s what everyone is doing to her, how would you feel?  All these months later & I know it’s only 3 my Baby girl has said hi to her every day, & when her friends are around & they start picking on anyone she says she is quick to tell them, stop or that’s not nice, or why do you have to say that, just leave them alone.  We have talked about the people that she honestly doesn’t like (those that she has had a negative interaction from the past with) I just tell her, look in life you aren’t going to like everyone & everyone isn’t going to like you & that’s okay but you should be KIND to everyone regardless.  There is no need to Bad Mouth, Make Fun of or Belittle just b/c this person is different from you. I often ask her how boring would this world be if everyone was just like you. 

Life Lesson here is, what we should teach our children is that the world is full of different people with different opinions.  This doesn’ t make them wrong or right just different instead of judging them or not liking them ask them question’s see why they feel that way maybe they will change your mind.  When it comes to your EX show your child look we don’t like each other but we found a way to work together.  That’s it, I don’t like everyone I meet but I always greet them with a smile, you never really know what kind of battle they are fighting. 

Kindness goes along way after all isn’t the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.